2020 was the year I made a choice: I wanted to be more outgoing, more socially brave, and more playful. I wanted to shed my shyness, loosen my structure, and let go of being uptight. That year, I decided to face my social anxiety head-on and embrace life in a way I never had before.
At the start of the year, I set specific goals to make this happen. I planned to attend a Meetup.com group and to visit a local brewery I’d never been to. True to form, I procrastinated, delaying the brewery visit until the last weekend of the month. I nearly backed out entirely. Going to a brewery alone as a single woman on a Friday night might sound intimidating to anyone—but for someone with social anxiety, it felt almost impossible.
Looking back, all the photos, all the memories that followed, would not exist if I had chickened out that night.
I sat down at the only available barstool, right next to a man named Tim—my now fiancé. From the moment I met him, I noticed his sincerity and kind heart. We quickly discovered a shared love for the outdoors. He even had a Ford Transit camper van he was building himself—a rolling adventure waiting to happen! I had always dreamed of having a partner for camping trips and road trips, someone who could teach me the ropes while I learned along the way, and Tim was perfect.
From the very beginning, our adventures in the van—affectionately named Brutis—became a regular part of our lives. Whether it was a quiet dinner by a lake or a weekend getaway, we were outside, laughing, exploring, and soaking in life. Even when the pandemic closed most doors, we still found primitive campsites and made the most of them.
Tim was open about his children, Bowen and Brooklyn, from the first night we met. I’ll admit, I felt both excited and cautious—this was the first time I was dating someone with kids. We agreed there was no rush for introductions, and I’m so thankful we had months to grow our connection before the children became part of the equation.
Building a relationship with another adult takes time, and the same is true when building trust with children. Tim and I agreed that my first meetings with Bowen (then 8) and Brooklyn (then 4) should be casual and fun. Our first encounter took place at a local park during a barbecue and overnight camping trip. Brooklyn immediately took to me, which was unusual for most young girls her age, while Bowen was cautious but curious. Over burgers, he asked, “So, what do you do for work?” By the end of the night, Brooklyn begged me to stay and camp with them, and Bowen shyly offered me a high five. It felt like the perfect introduction.
After that night, I continued to build trust with the kids by showing up consistently for playdates at parks and campgrounds. We bonded in countless little ways: playing make-believe with Brooklyn, sliding down the big slide with Bowen, pushing Brooklyn on the swing, teaching them to ride their bigger bikes, and playing “I Spy” in the van. When they excitedly ran to me before I even got out of the car, I let them lead the way. Water activities became another bonding opportunity. On a trip to the Oregon Coast, Brooklyn was nervous to enter the hotel jacuzzi. I held her hands, supporting her as she floated cautiously, and she exclaimed, “Please keep me safe!” My heart melted—I silently promised I always would.
I also realized that showing love and admiration for Tim helped the kids trust me. Children notice everything. Seeing Tim and me affectionate made Bowen and Brooklyn happy—they often exclaim over our kisses with giggles and smiles, reinforcing the joy of seeing their dad happy.
I feel incredibly blessed that Bowen and Brooklyn have welcomed me so warmly. I know that isn’t always the case with stepchildren. Their loving natures reflect the care and affection they’ve received from the many family members in their lives.
Over the past year, I’ve treasured countless moments with them. Around Christmas, Bowen transitioned from cautious to talkative, sharing everything with me. A few months later, he tested boundaries in classic kid fashion. From these experiences, I’ve learned an invaluable lesson for stepmoms: don’t try to discipline or parent the children right away. Step back, let the biological parent lead, and focus on building trust and connection first. I occasionally redirect small sibling squabbles, but Tim handles the bulk of parenting. My role is to love them, play with them, and be a positive adult in their lives—and thankfully, Tim has never pressured me to do otherwise.
One recent milestone with Brooklyn touched me deeply. One night, she chose me over Tim to help with her bath. She asserted that she could do it herself but needed help washing her hair. I ran the bath water, then joined her briefly to wash her hair—and even washed her My Little Pony’s mane and tail at her request. This was the same little girl who once shied from changing clothes while camping. The trust required for these vulnerable moments is something I cherish deeply.
I’ve also learned the importance of understanding a child’s love language. Brooklyn thrives on touch—she’s always asking for snuggles. Bowen responds to words of affirmation, lighting up when praised. Honoring these love languages strengthens our bond and creates a sense of safety and care.
When I first searched for stepmom support groups online, I was shocked by the negativity. Yet my journey has been one of the greatest blessings and learning experiences of my life. I hope sharing it can inspire other stepmoms and stepmoms-to-be to believe that happy, thriving relationships with stepchildren are possible.
Looking back at my 2020 goals—to overcome social anxiety, to be more playful, to loosen up—I can’t help but smile. That year, I met the love of my life, an adventurous man, and his amazing children. They’ve taught me courage, joy, and how to let go of fear. Most importantly, they’re teaching me how to love like a mom.
